It’s Not Your Fault

I’m talking to the girl right now who is battling her scars from sexual abuse and/or assault—the one who doesn’t know how to get through and to the other side. The girl who asks, “Why me, Lord?” She battles with the memory of it and often feels alone.

No matter how many times the enemy of your soul wants to tell you that somehow it’s your fault, I’m here to say to you with all authority that, it is NOT.

I may not know precisely what happened to you, but I know the burden and pain you carry from the cracks in your soul that you aren’t ok. I know how sometimes you fight back the tears or hide behind a smile. I understand how busyness keeps you safe because the memories flood when it’s too quiet. And I know what it’s like to be in a room full of people and feel totally alone and unseen.

I want you to know that it is perfectly ok for you not to be ok, but I also want to encourage you not to stay there. When we stay unhealed, it can consume other areas of our life and, unknowingly, those around us. It will affect so many of our life’s outcomes, and we invite destruction even if we don’t realize it.

Unhealed trauma is like cancer. Without treatment, it spreads to the healthy parts of us, and those parts become infected and diseased too.

Living unhealed can look like some or a combination of these:

• The memories are too painful, so you try to stuff them down.
• You have sudden flashbacks to the event(s).
• You don’t remember parts of the event(s), so you question your own sanity and are afraid to believe in your ability to recall.
• You chase after “fun” filling your schedule, trying to avoid being alone.
• You drown yourself in work or other activities.
• You isolate yourself because you’re so afraid of getting hurt again. Being alone is easier and safer.
• Sharing your story is too hard, so you avoid it even with the closest people in your life.
• You overshare with others, seeking sympathy and validation.
• You go from one relationship to another, incapable of truly being alone.
• You lead with your sexuality; any attention is better than no attention.
• You may be promiscuous, looking for love in all the wrong places.
• You will stay in unhealthy or toxic relationships too long for fear of being alone.
• You avoid clear “red flags” and make excuses to stay despite the warnings.
• You long to be liked, wanted, and needed and search for acceptance.
• You have a hard time setting healthy boundaries.
• You over-attach to people in your life, putting unhealthy expectations on them, making them responsible for your happiness.
• You find yourself overly sensitive and can easily feel hurt or abandoned.
• When someone hurts you or makes a mistake, you struggle with forgiveness.
• You are more likely to numb the pain with alcohol or drugs.
• You blame yourself for what happened and live in the “what-ifs?”
• You blame God and hate Him for allowing it.

This is a short list, and I could go on and on with examples of the effects of sexual abuse trauma and living unhealed.

Friends, I was most all of those things at different points, and sadly many times, I could not see the destruction I was living. I masqueraded as a healthy, confident, and healed person, but I was far from it.

Guilt. Shame. Anger. Pain. Fear. Self Loathing. Inability to trust. That was what was living inside of me; the unhealed me.

I lived a lie, striving to convince myself and others that I was ok; That I was good. I spent so much time trying to make the outside appear pretty and together that I lost sight of myself and my worth.

Healing can only start to begin when you recognize the unhealed parts of yourself. When you’ve tried everything in your own strength and came up short and exhausted.

Satan will strive to keep us down, wallowing and reminding us of what happened. He loves the replay. Despair, depression, and feeling unworthy are his favorite tools.

But the Bible tells us, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7

We have a spirit of POWER, friends!

You deserve healing and freedom from this bondage, but it can only come when we decide to fight. We don’t fight against it; we fight through it. Either way, you’ll have a fight on your hands.
You just have to decide that YOU are worth fighting for.

When we go through the pain, face it head-on, and lay our unhealed parts at the foot of the Cross, God promises that He will carry us through, and we will become new, healed, and set free. It’s Glorious, sisters!

“Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with MY righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

But only you can decide if you are worth the fight.
Will it be hard and painful? Yes. But living stuck in the cancer of your unhealed trauma and its lasting effects is far worse.

So, where do you start?

If you haven’t already, I urge you to talk about it with someone you trust. Preferably with someone not walking through their cycle of unhealed abuse, but someone who can speak into you from a healthy place. You’ll need compassion, reassurance, and alot of loving support.

Seek therapy with a professional. Someone who specializes in sexual abuse/ trauma because they will have a unique skill set to help and guide you. I would also seek a Christian Counselor if you can. They are more common than you think and can also minister to you spiritually. You can often contact your church, and they will have references for you.

If you can find it, group therapy or a support group is a wonderful option. I was fortunate enough to find a support group through my counselor’s office, and it helped me process alot of my own pain as I could relate to others that had gone through my similar situation. I know that many churches offer support groups as well.

Be in your Bible. This is so crucial. For me, this is where I found the most healing, being washed daily by the Word. “For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart,” Hebrews 4:12. When we spend time in His word, real healing takes place. It’s His love letter to us, and it’s the most important and the most life-changing decision you will make.

Pray. Talk to God, cry out to Him, yell if you have to. He can take it. He already knows everything you think and feel. Start by having a genuine and honest conversation with Him. Surrender it all at the foot of His throne. He is listening. He longs to hear from you and redeem you beyond what you could ever hope or imagine.

I pray today that you will remember these truths: It’s not your fault.
You did not deserve it.
You are worth fighting for.
You matter, and you are worthy.
Jesus loves you, died for you, and wants to restore you.

Take a step today, friend, toward your healing. And then take another tomorrow. Those steps add up.
One step at a time.

Father, I pray for the one who is struggling to find her way through the pain and scars of her trauma. That dear one that is lost and longs to be found. The girl who, like me, is masquerading and hiding behind her pain. How precious she is to you, Lord. Remind her of her worth, bind the enemy in her life, and galvanize her for this battle. Give her the strength and will to fight. Restore all that has been lost and broken, and bless her with a life redeemed in You. To God be the Glory! In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Hugs!

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13