The Damaged Soul

Are you wounded in a way that feels like there is no repair?
Was someone else’s choice your cost?
Oh, how I can relate.

I struggled to write this out of fear that I might come across as though I was making an excuse or giving my father a “pass.” That couldn’t be further from the truth…

Being a product of childhood abuse, I often asked myself who I might have been if none of it had happened to me. How would my life have looked if this wasn’t my story? But no matter how often I asked that question, the answer has always been that I’ll never know.

My father, my abuser, still lives, but I severed all contact between us long ago.

Even though he is on the opposite side of the country than me and is not a part of my life, he still breathes the same air as I do, and that thought can feel suffocating because I’ve lived through the wounds he inflicted, which have been my life’s burden and battle.

Here is what I’ve come to realize: his damaged soul damaged mine.

Why? There can be only one reason; choice.

Somewhere along the way, my father put love down and chose evil. He gave a foothold to satan and dove into his depravity and sin. He allowed that within himself, and his choice was my cost.

Another word for “choice?” Free will.

We all have it because God doesn’t strongarm any of us to do His will.

What a beautiful gift we have; choice, but what dire consequences can be found when the wrong choice is made.

Each day we’re constantly making choices. Choices for wrong or right, hate or love, lie or truth, selfish or selfless, greed or generosity, cruelty or compassion. It’s a moment-by-moment choice, and either side has lasting effects.

You know that saying, “Hurt people, hurt people.” That is so true. Whatever my father’s damage was, it damaged me, and my damage has indeed damaged others.

It can be a vicious cycle, potentially going from person to person. Sometimes we will repeat the pattern of damage that was done to us. Other times it can be a completely different pattern but just as damaging.

The worst part is when we don’t see our damage, and we measure ourselves by the damage inflicted upon us. It can give room for pride to tell us that we aren’t as bad because ours look different.

That was me. I didn’t abuse my children, but the unhealed hurt, anger, and brokenness I carried did.

I’m not like “them,” I would tell myself. I would never do “that.”

I spent many years blind to my perpetual wounds and how those wounded others. Seeing myself as a victim and being so focused on what had been done to me and what I had lived through, I lost sight of the damaging cycle I was inflicting on others and myself.

Soul damage can come in all forms, not just abuse, especially when trust is at the forefront. Examples of this can be betrayal, infidelity, lies, abandonment, or broken promises to name a few.

I’m in no way saying that I don’t see my father’s choices for what they are or trying to suggest that he and I are the same. I’m only humbly admitting the profound truth that damaged souls damage others.

Who my father chose to be, and the actions he decided to take were pure evil. There is no doubt about that.

I handed him and his evil choices over to the God of justice long ago. He has never taken responsibility, apologized, or shown an ounce of remorse. God knows what is in his heart, and I have total peace knowing God will deal with him accordingly.

But I can’t only look at my father’s depravity and not my own. If I ignore it and choose to excuse my wrongs because of someone else’s wrongs, then I’m no better than the man who abused me.

I want to see myself and others through the lens of Truth because the closer we get to Jesus, the more we see evil for what it is and not who or what we try to define it to be.

When we dare to be honest enough to admit that we, too, are capable of evil, that our souls damage, damages others too, and that the only way through it is to bring it under the authority of Jesus, then and only then can we begin to heal the damaged parts of our soul.

The sad truth is that some wounds will never heal on this side of heaven, and some damage will remain, but we can choose to live with the freedom of knowing that there is still life to be lived despite it.

I wish I could have escaped my childhood’s pain, loss, and sorrow and that my father loved me more than his sin. No matter what, I will never know who I could have been because that’s not my story, and holding onto the what-ifs will only keep me paralyzed from living for today.

Dear friend, I’m sure you, too, have things you wish you could have changed or escaped from. The damage in your soul is not beyond repair. God sees your pain and suffering and longs to heal, restore, and strengthen you.

We can’t change what has happened to us or because of us, but we have the power and authority to say no to a life that continues to live stuck in that damage. Freedom is ours if we choose it.

Matthew 11:28-29 says, “Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

This is our invitation to give what we can’t do in our strength and lay it all down to the One who can.

I love Psalms 147: 3-6, which says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; He gives to all of them their names. Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; His understanding is beyond measure. The Lord lifts up the humble; He casts the wicked to the ground.”

What beautiful words of encouragement! God is a promise keeper and our ultimate healer.

I hope to encourage you today to invite God into those broken parts of you. He wants to build beauty from your brokenness and bind up your wounds. He has rest for you, my friend—soul rest. Let Him heal you and restore what has been broken and lost; all you have to do is come.