The Hardest Thing

Forgiving my abusers, by far, has been one of the hardest struggles I’ve faced. To forgive the unforgivable can seem unimaginable and completely unfair. Like we are giving a free pass, an “it’s ok” when it’s not ok at all. 

Why is it our burden to forgive when we did nothing wrong? 

Even as I write these words, imagining the one reading them, hurting and struggling with the brokenness of abuse, breaks my heart. I’ve been there.

The questions can be…

Where do we put that pain? 

How do we not let it define us? 

Is it possible to live free from the weight of the memories?

Oh, friend, I wish I could hug you right now.

The truth is only forgiveness can truly set us free. 

During my lowest times of struggle, I would walk my neighborhood early in the morning, talking to God. It was the first thing I did each morning, longing for relief from the pain. Somedays, I walked, pouring out all of my sadness and despair. Other days, filled with hatred and betrayal, I would yell within, spewing how it wasn’t fair that I had to try to find my way through all of this; I didn’t do this, and I certainly didn’t deserve it. 

During those walks, God whispered to my heart that my healing was tied to my forgiveness, not because they deserved it but because I deserved peace from it. As long as I stayed angry, living in the hurt and refusing to forgive those who had wronged me, I would remain in bondage to the past, hindering God’s ability to work it out and bring me through it. 

This didn’t come easily for me, let me tell you. 

I couldn’t bear the thought of letting it all go; they get off scot-free while I stay damaged?

I pleaded with God; I didn’t want to forgive, realizing I didn’t want to let go of the pain. It became like a security blanket I carried around with me. Maybe if I always remembered, if I stayed mad, if I kept the hurt, it would somehow keep me safe from having it happen to me again. Or maybe the truth was I didn’t trust God to punish them for what they had done, so I needed to punish them by holding onto the hatred and memories myself. 

My prayer became, “If You want me to forgive them, Lord, You will have to do it through me.” Jesus, in His mercy, taught me that my forgiveness isn’t a feeling; it’s my choice—a decision to lay down what I couldn’t do on my own and give it to the One who can. 

It didn’t happen overnight, but I laid down those emotions each day when they welled up. The more I poured out my pain and surrendered it to God, the more that burden lifted off of me. Little by little, I was being washed clean. I can’t explain it. It hurt less and less; until it didn’t hurt anymore.

Mark 11:25 kept coming to mind, “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in Heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

Friends, God will never ask you to forgive because they deserve it. He paid that price for them and us on The Cross. We may suffer in this life because we live in a fallen world with fallen people, but God will call us to forgive so that we will receive grace as His grace has been gifted to us.

Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation with the ones that hurt us. It’s about reconciling our hearts to Christ, who has forgiven us for our every sin when we come to him with a sincere and repentant heart. 

Forgiveness is walking out our own healing and being set free from another person’s choices; It’s taking our power back. 

Forgiveness is never sweeping it under the rug, pretending it didn’t happen. That will only keep us attached to the chains of brokenness. 

Forgiveness is facing the pain, the betrayal, and the damage head-on and aligning ourselves with Christ and His will of freedom for our hearts and souls.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with the abuser. It is only about us and being set free. 

Forgiveness is our choice. Repentance is theirs. 

God will deal with the unjust, evil, and unrepentant. We can rest knowing He is honorable, just, and unmoving to sin. He sees the depths of our suffering, and we can trust that He will deal with them accordingly. 

“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengence is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Romans 12:19

Our God doesn’t want to put a bandaid on our wounds; He wants to restore us to be so much more than we were before. The best part is that we will never walk that road alone when we do it with God because forgiveness is never something we need to do in our own strength. His will is to replace our wounds for His, giving us total healing and freedom from it all. 

Isaiah 61:3a says, “To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.” This is God’s redemptive power and assurance that He will exchange our pain for joy, the old for new, and our sorrow for comfort when we yield our brokenness to Jesus and the power of The Cross. 

Forgiving may be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do, but this pain doesn’t deserve one more minute of your joy, another moment of your peace, and not another day of your life.

My prayer is that you will find the strength to bring your brokenness to the God who saves, that you’ll choose to lay your burdens down at His feet, making forgiveness your choice so that He can rain mercy and healing over you and your life.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalms 147:3