The Spiral Effect

Hi there!

It’s been ten long months since I have written anything. Honestly, I haven’t had the words.

Have you ever had something happen that turned into a chain of events you never saw coming, only to let it end up sowing a seed of discouragement in you? Something that you can’t explain why it had that effect on you, but it just did?

Well, August last year (the last time I shared anything here) was rough for me. I had plans, great plans, actually, but everything didn’t go as I had hoped.

Let me take you back to where it all started for me…

My hubby and I booked a trip to Maui in December 2022 to celebrate our wedding anniversary in August 2023. We wanted to stay at the same resort we honeymooned at and revisit some of our favorite places, restaurants, and beaches. We saved and saved for this trip. I had a photoshoot booked, excursions planned, and reservations set. To say we were excited was an understatement!

A week before leaving, we heard about wildfires that started in Maui, specifically in the Lahaina area where we were staying. With our eyes glued to the news media outlets, our hearts sank as we saw the devastation unfold, and then our hearts broke for the Maui people. What a deep and profound loss they had suffered and continue to suffer. Our loss and grief were insignificant compared to the people of Maui. However, our hearts were still saddened that we couldn’t experience everything we had planned to do together for our anniversary. Much of where we planned to revisit, so many places we loved and cherished, were gone.

With Maui now canceled, we tried to figure out a Plan B. There was little time to plan a new vacation, and we needed something fast, so we decided on Las Vegas. We aren’t much into gambling, but we love the restaurants, shows, sunbathing, or floating in the pools. We were as excited as we could be. Vegas is no Maui, but we wanted to make the best of our anniversary and my husband’s time off.

As we set off for our Las Vegas holiday, Hurricane Hillary made its appearance off the Pacific Coast. We received our first-ever tropical storm warning for Southern California. The heavy rainfall and flood watches extended into Nevada as well. Our plans for sunbathing and walking along the strip were canceled the first few days due to the heavy rains, which caused many closures in Vegas. Despite this, we were still determined to make the best of our time, and God even blessed us with a beautiful double rainbow on our anniversary!

Each morning, we would wake up and head down to the Delicatessen in our lobby to get coffee and breakfast. On the fourth morning of our visit, we were looking forward to finally enjoying the pool area. As we approached the eatery as usual, some hotel staff stopped us from entering. We were confused until we saw some staff outside placing barriers, and we then noticed police and crime scene investigators taking pictures of a body just above them. It was tragic – the person had apparently jumped to their death.

I was instantly overwhelmed with grief. All I could think about was that while we were here celebrating and peacefully asleep in the same building, this person was in so much pain that their only recourse was to choose to end their life. It rocked me to my very core. I thought only about this person’s loved ones: the parents, the children, the spouse, the friends, and the phone call they would soon get, which would dreadfully change their lives forever.

And then, I was picturing myself in that same situation, receiving that kind of news and the absolute heartbreak and devastation that would be. Worst-case scenarios flooded my mind, and I couldn’t get past the scene of it all.

My husband and I returned to our room, just heartbroken. Praying was the only thing we could do. After several hours, we decided to go back down and across to the adjoining casino to try and grab something to eat since we had not had anything that day. On our return, a security guard stopped us and had us wait in the hallway, not allowing us through to the hotel. Many patrons accumulated with us; not everyone knew what happened that morning. Within several minutes, we all witnessed the coroner bring that poor soul past us in a body bag.

Our time there shifted. It was no longer “fun”, and we couldn’t get past it, no matter how hard we tried. The following day, we cut our trip short and traveled back home.

Even though I had no idea who this person was or why they made the choice they did, for some reason, it had a significant impact on me in the weeks and months ahead. Life felt a little heavier, and I struggled to return to normal.

I came home to my daughter having surgery, which is always nerve-racking for a momma, right? But it ended up being a blessing. She stayed with me, and I was
able to care for her. I love caring for my people, and it helped keep my mind off everything that had happened.

But still, it all lingered under the surface.

I wanted to write about and share this experience but couldn’t find the right words. My feelings and experience seemed trivial compared to the magnitude of this
situation. After all, it wasn’t my loss.

Weeks turned into months, and life kept happening, but the heaviness of it stayed, as did the loss of words.

With that heaviness, I found myself becoming increasingly discouraged. I tried to mask it by keeping myself busy, but I was only going through the motions because
inside, I felt like a fraud. What kind of Christian lets themselves lose hope and stay affected this way?

I wanted to share scriptures God put in my heart, but I couldn’t find the words.

I wanted to share about how my baby girl decided to move to another country just before Christmas and all the feelings that went along with that (oh, my poor
momma heart), but I couldn’t find the words.

I wanted to talk about the excitement of the holiday season and bring words of love and encouragement, but I couldn’t find the words.

On and on, and life kept happening.

The longer I went, the harder it got to share anything, so I gave up and stopped trying.

Writing and sharing my “stuff” doesn’t come easily for me. I’m a “keep it tight to the chest” kind of girl, which is probably why God has called me to this “sharing” thing. It forces me out of my comfort zone and teaches me to lean into Him for strength and words.

Life has most definitely taught me that it has its fair share of hard times, and it can be easy to let those times get the best of us. Satan loves it when we allow ourselves to spiral down the path of discouragement, leading us to become ineffective.

My loss of words started with a bad experience that turned into discouragement, which eventually became shame—shame that I stopped trying, shame that it was
easier to give up, shame that I let something get such a hold on me. My inner dialogue was, “I’ve been a Christian long enough, and I know the devil’s tactics. I
should be better at not allowing it.”

What I’ve learned over the past ten months is that you never know how something will affect you and that none of us is far from the devil’s grasp. The Bible tells us
that “The thief (Satan) does not come except to steal, kill and destroy,” John 10:10a and, “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8

He knew how this would affect me, so he worked hard to keep me down, and I let him.

Eventually, I went to war, and over time, the lies began to dissipate through prayer, confession, asking for deliverance, and spending much of my time in The Word.

I still have some wounds from the battle, but I’m on the other side.

Forgive me for taking so long to say anything. As I’ve shared before, I’m quite the work in progress. But today is a big step forward in my Kingdom walk and a huge
dent in the devil’s plans to bring me down.

I hope my little story will encourage anyone battling something unforeseen and difficult. Remember that the devil is always lurking and waiting for his next moment to pounce. He loves nothing more than when we are struggling with discouragement, shame, and anything else that keeps us ineffective.

But more importantly, remember that God is our rescuer, redeemer, and our hope. His word tells us, “The Lord is my rock, and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm 18:2

The more I sought Jesus, the more He delivered me from my bondage. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8

If I could encourage you to do one thing, it would be to read your Bible. Read it every single day. Read it when you don’t want to or are too tired. Read it when you don’t think you have enough time; read one chapter, one paragraph, one sentence. Just read it. The only way to combat the lies is with the Truth, and in time, “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

Nothing in this world is more powerful, life-altering, and significant than the Word of God. It heals, encourages, and repeatedly tells us of God’s greatness, perfect
mercy, and grace for His people.

So, if you, like me, find yourself spiraling into one of Satan’s traps, reach out to Jesus with all you have. Seek Him and watch how He is so good and mighty to save.

“But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all of your heart and with all your soul.” Deuteronomy 4:29

Father God, this life can be a struggle, and it seems like the battle can come from every side. I pray right now for the one who is in the thick of their battle; that you
would touch their heart, bind the enemy Lord, help them to seek you with all of their heart, and rescue them swiftly. Let your grace and mercy abound in their circumstances. Please enable them to endure, give them refuge, and allow them to feel your strength and power envelop them until total freedom comes. In Jesus’
name, Amen.