Unhealed – Part Two

The weeks that followed were difficult as I struggled with the painful emotions of reopened wounds. I could only pray for God’s guidance and hope for some relief.

Eventually, I decided to write back to him. My first draft was direct and as polite as I could manage. After all, I am a child of God, and I felt it was important to act accordingly, right? However, something about it didn’t sit well with me. It wasn’t strong enough; it didn’t address all the horrible things he had done. He needed to hear the truth and be reminded of how his actions affected my life and self-worth. I couldn’t just be polite; I had a right to express my feelings. They were valid and real, every pain-filled, heartbreaking one of them.

So that is exactly what I did.

In my opening paragraph, I wrote, “Please understand that this response is not an attempt to be unkind; I only want to be honest and direct.” Then, I delivered the truth with impact. I provided example after example of the horrific things he did and allowed, showing how my childhood, innocence, and every bit of my self-worth were stripped away because of him. I expressed how I have had to “fight every day since to find my way out of the hell you put me in.”

I revisited the memories of the times I tried to maintain a relationship with him, even after everything he had done. I reminded him of how he lied about me and portrayed me as destructive and untrustworthy, ensuring that no one would believe my account of his abuse. He turned many against me to protect his own reputation.

“It’s sad,” I wrote. “Because, in the end, the only person you are hurting is yourself. You are living a lie, and that must be a very painful and lonely existence.”

I then told him that I could not be in any relationship with him because it was not safe for me. I expressed my forgiveness, assured him that I didn’t wish any bad upon him, and I hoped that one day he would find his way to Jesus.

I want to tell you that I sent that email, but I never did.

Writing it out and imagining him reading it was satisfying. He needed to hear it, and I needed to say it. After all, he opened this door, not me. However, the more I brought it before God, the more I realized it was not His will. I was reacting out of my flesh, and my words stemmed from anger, resentment, and pain. I had vengeance in my heart, but vengeance is not mine to repay. As it says in Romans 12:19, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”

Through this experience, I realized I needed to do some inner work. I didn’t want to remain “unhealed,” I knew I needed to understand why I was finding myself here. So, I prayed, reflected, and sought therapy, which has been incredibly helpful. It’s brought many unresolved issues to the surface and provided me with a safe space to navigate all of my feelings and struggles.

A short time later, I unexpectedly came across a women’s Bible study at my church called “Healing the Brokenhearted,” designed for women who have suffered from sexual abuse and trauma. After much prayer, I realized this was where God was leading me, and it didn’t take long for me to understand why. Remember when I mentioned earlier that my feelings of being unhealed and what they revealed was far more than I could have ever imagined? This is where that comes into play.

As I participated in the Bible study, reading the scriptures and stories, answering questions, and reflecting on my experiences, I discovered that so much was still inside me that I had not let go of—things I wasn’t even consciously aware of that were weighing down my soul. Bitterness, hatred, and feelings of injustice weighed heavily on my heart. Deep down, I found myself wishing that certain people would not find salvation and go to Heaven. Sadly, I even wished harm upon some; I harbored feelings that they deserved to be destroyed and to suffer for all the damage they caused.

Evil. That’s what those thoughts were.

Going through all of this has led me to a deeper understanding of God’s plan: It took my father’s decision to reach out for my contact information, which led him to connect with his brother, who then contacted me. With God’s strength and courage, I managed to provide my email address for him to use. Weeks later, it took my father the courage to write and send his message and for me to finally read it.

Although I experienced feelings of despair, anger, and pain rush back, I realized that God used this situation for my good. This marked the beginning of a series of events that revealed my unhealed wounds. More importantly, it highlighted the sin in my heart that separated me from God and the healing He had in store for me.

I had to SEE the truth about what was in my heart.

I had to GIVE my sin to God through repentance and choose to follow His path instead of my own.

I had to FORGIVE as Christ has forgiven me, genuinely letting go of those who hurt, bruised, wronged, rejected, betrayed, or harmed me, whether intentionally or not.

I had to FORGET by no longer dwelling on the hurt or painful reminders, making a conscious choice to focus on the things of Christ.

Has this been easy? No, it’s a process I will continue to repeat for the rest of my life.

But I know this; the devil wants me to remain trapped in my pain, but God desires for me to be free from it. I wouldn’t have been able to navigate my struggles if God hadn’t allowed these experiences to unfold. He has been there, holding me, urging me forward, preventing me from making more mistakes and guiding me through it all. He orchestrated each step of my journey to lead me to healing. I certainly could not see that then, but as they say, “hindsight is 20/20.”

Sometimes, you’ll never know what is unhealed in you until you’re exposed to it. I hadn’t had any contact with my father in years, so it was easy to think that it no longer affected me. The distance from it provided a false sense of freedom from the wounds I still carried.

In His perfect kindness, God took me through healing many years ago. The time I spent in prayer, immersing myself in His Word, attending therapy, and participating in support groups—along with the long walks where I poured out my heart, the tears I cried, and my desperate attempts to fix myself—were not in vain. God used those experiences to bring me to my knees, allowing me to lay my burdens on His Cross. He honored my choice to forgive and set me free. He did it then, He is doing it now, and I know He will continue to do so again and again because Jesus, our Savior, is in the business of saving His children.

What Satan intended to destroy in me, God used to save me, and I am incredibly thankful for that! “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

As for my father, his lack of honesty and accountability for his actions is what prevents me from considering any possibility of rebuilding our relationship. If his email had expressed genuine remorse, regret, and, most importantly, a genuine acknowledgment of his choices and actions, I would have been open to whatever God had in store for us. Even my father deserves another chance if he is truly repentant, as we all do. After all, that is the entire point of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. “For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, and abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.” Psalm 86:5

To deny a truly repentant person the chance for relationship because of our feelings of fear, hostility, indifference, or a lack of forgiveness is an act of pride. It demonstrates our lack of trust in God’s power to redeem. We cannot accept for ourselves what we are unwilling to give to others. God is a God of healing, redemption, and reconciliation; that is His will. None of us is beyond God’s redemption.

In my reality, my father was not repentant and did not take accountability for his actions. Still, it is my responsibility to bring all the wounds I carry back to God, pray for him, and guard my heart against any sin that may arise within me.” Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.” Hebrews 12:15

I hope as you read through my experience, you recognize that if you’ve found yourself in the depths of something painful that you believed you had overcome, only to realize you are nowhere near where you thought you should be, you are not alone. This could be God’s goodness revealing what is unhealed in your soul so He can help you find true freedom.

Don’t despair, my friend. Lean into this; lean into Him, and let Him guide you toward healing—again and again, if necessary. Remember, our God is in the business of saving His children. He loves you too much to allow you to remain unhealed.

My letter, which I haven’t sent yet, ended with this: “I hope one day you find your way to Jesus and discover true freedom from the bondage you live in. He is the only one who can ever save you; the Truth is the only way you’ll ever be set free. Forgiveness for all sins is written in the scars of our Savior, and I pray you will someday receive what only He has for you.”

I think I will send some version of my email one day, but only “When God Allows.”